Dear Tobi,
Sometimes I wish I could express exactly how I feel. At times, I’m certain that no one feels exactly as I do, because it doesn’t seem like anyone does. Sometimes I sit alone and think about how isolated each person is in this world, how no one can truly understand another person, because as much as we try, we truly can't understand them; we’d have to be them to fully grasp their experience.
Returning to my struggle with expressing my feelings in words, I often find that the issue isn’t merely that I can’t find the right words—which is odd, considering I am thinking in words. The problem is that I don’t even understand my own feelings or thoughts. This means that, on many occasions, the issue isn't about my eloquence but about my lack of self-understanding. This brings me back to the fact that if we can’t truly understand ourselves, then even if others could get into our thoughts and be us, they still wouldn’t understand us fully.
That’s the mystery I’m grappling with tonight as I write this. Will I ever understand myself, or will I forever be on a journey to discover who I am? This poses its own challenge, as I keep changing and trying to catch up with understanding myself. If I can’t even understand myself, how can I expect someone else to even attempt to understand me?
Lastly, I think to myself that others seem to be figuring themselves out and understanding themselves, which leads me to question: am I the problem for not understanding myself, or are others merely pretending to have it all figured out? This thought makes the world seem even sadder.
Do write back.
Sincerely, Adeyemi